MY DOG
EATS SHIT

The Problem

His name is Biscuit. He is six years old, mostly wire-haired, and has developed a taste for his own waste. Not occasionally. Not experimentally. Religiously.

It began last winter. I would let him out into the garden and he would return with the same satisfied expression he wore after finishing a plate of table scraps. Only there were no table scraps.

Observations

• He prefers it slightly aged, never fresh.
• Rain makes it worse. The texture changes and he becomes more ambitious.
• He will ignore a perfectly good marrowbone if there is an opportunity nearby.
• Guests are not safe. He performs for an audience.

I have stopped inviting people over. The garden now feels like a minefield rather than a lawn.

What I Have Tried

Nothing works. I have tried pineapple in his food, hot sauce on the evidence, training treats as distraction, and once, in desperation, a tiny bell around his neck so I could hear the approach.

The bell only made it more theatrical.